It was no secret that I wanted a girl. Not that I didn’t want a boy because I really have always wanted one of each, but I had always wanted to have a girl first.
I was so excited for our big ultrasound in December 2010. I couldn’t wait to find out what we were having. Since I had had such bad morning sickness I was really thinking girl even though every pregnancy dream I had was of a boy.
The ultrasound had hardly begun when we found out we were having a boy. I was shocked by the news and I spent the rest of the ultrasound in a dazed disappointment. Multiple times tears threatened, but I held them in. I didn’t want the tech to see me cry. I already hadn’t been very excited when she said it was a boy. I couldn’t imagine what she would have thought if she had seen me crying too.
For the rest of the day I couldn’t shake my dazed feeling. I started getting angry at myself. What was wrong with me? How could I be so upset over the fact that I wasn’t having a girl? Wasn’t I just supposed to be happy over the fact that I was having a healthy baby with ten fingers and ten toes? What kind of mother was I?
That evening when I went to take my shower I lost it. I cried and cried. Yet I knew that I was crying for me and not the baby. I was glad for him that he was a boy. His closet cousin in age was a boy and all of my friends have little boys (we’re still waiting for someone to have a girl), so I knew that as a boy he’d have lots of friends when we did stuff. Plus he was going to have two young uncles that both wanted a nephew and wouldn’t really know what to do with a niece. It just seemed that things would be better for him if he was a boy. What I cried for was what I felt I would miss out on by not having a daughter. I wanted a little girl to dress up and pass my special dolls onto. I wanted a girl to share life’s moments with. Prom, weddings, and babies just aren’t the same when you’re the guy’s mom. I felt terrible for crying. I wanted to just love my little boy, but I couldn’t get past my disappointment (darn those pregnancy hormones).
As the weeks went by I started to grow used to the idea that I was having a son. There were still points were the feelings would sneak up on me though. Time such as when I would go to a store and see the adorable little dresses, or when someone I knew announced that they were having a girl.
A few months before Nick was born I had a dream though that helped me see that I had gotten past my disappointment. In the dream I was in labor and when the baby was born we found out that the ultrasound tech had been wrong because we had a baby girl. I took the baby girl and carried her to the waiting room to introduce her to the family. I remember carrying her over to my grandparents and saying, “This is Ella,” (the name we had chosen for a girl). Then I started to cry and cry because that baby wasn’t my Nick. I was so upset that I woke up crying. At that point I knew that I had already fallen in love with my little guy and he was the only baby I wanted.
Today I can’t imagine having any baby but my little guy. He is the very best baby, and I know that I am so blessed to have him. Now I can hardly imagine what life would be like if we had had a girl. I now look at baby girl clothes and think they’re too frilly, and I can’t even imagine dealing with tights. Maybe someday we’ll be blessed with a little girl, and maybe we won’t, but I wouldn’t give Nick up for anything. Our lives would be so empty without him.
The one thing I will say is that I’m very glad that we found out Nick’s gender before he was born. I needed the time to come to terms with the fact that I was having a son. I know they say that the first time you see your child you fall in love with them, but I can’t imagine how it would have been if I had felt any of the disappointment that I felt when I found out it was a boy. I’m afraid of what it would have done to me emotionally.
It’s hard to admit that I had such disappointment, but I don’t even think about it any more. A month or so ago mom and I were sitting with Nick while he played and I asked how I had gotten so lucky, and my mother’s comment was, “And to think you didn’t want a boy.” Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to, but it does work out the way it was meant to. Everything that happens in life happens for a reason, and I was meant to be the mom of an amazing little boy.
Did you feel any gender disappointment?